Oy!

Okay, I keep getting little lads and lassies trying to sit on my lap asking me to bring them crap. It happens around this time of year and I’ve had it. The next one gets a kipper to the face.

Also, I read a recent review of THE DORK OF THE RINGS by Film Apocalypse and there is absolutely no mention of me anywhere in it. So I shot an e-mail at the bloke who wrote is. Although he never got back to me, Tim Richardson forwarded me this response to the matter:

“As for their being no mention of Jack Peterson, well, I don’t feel that I’m worthy of writing about such a great man. No matter how eloquently I spoke, words could never capture the sheer awe that he inspires. Being trashed in his blog would be the greatest moment of my life simply because I would know that he actually knew my name. I think less of you for calling him a talentless turd. You should be ashamed. I recently had the privilege of speaking to Elijah Wood about Jack Peterson and I will never forget his words. Elijah said to me, “Who? Oh you mean the guy who stank of greasy fried snack chips.” Greasy fried snack chips indeed, Tim; greasy fried snack chips indeed. Haha!”

Okay, throw in a cheese steak sandwich and consider apology accepted.

Cheers,
Jack

My dear Jack Peterson enthusiasts,

Due to the injustices of the film industry I am still stuck here on the New Zealand coastline while all my projects get taken away from me like an unfinished bowl of soup at a restaurant.

Though they tried to hide it from me, I received a letter by locust informing me of my epic film THE DORK OF THE RINGS winning “Best Fantasy Film” at the It Came From Lake Michigan! Film Festival in October 2007. However, the cast award that accompanied my well-deserved award was sent to that unscrupulous rogue Tim Richardson who erroneously claims directorship of the film. I’m as hot as a pastrami sandwich in a waffle iron right now.

Furthermore, I see continued advancement on the production of my film HARVEY PUTTER, which they stole from me. Not only did they cast my wonder boy Bryce Cone (who always willingly gave me foot massages) and that old fart David Kiefer (who I paid off in donuts), but now I see that my celebrity darling Kiran Shah has been duped into joining. You may remember that I was on a DORK OF THE RINGS panel with him at Drag*Con back in ‘06 and offered him my bathtub to live in next time he came to New Zealand. I have tried in vain to reach him but due to sketchy internet connections and a lack of fresh corn chips I have been unable to.

I can only employ my many fans worldwide to write to that poophead Tim Richardson at harveyputter@gmail.com and express your disdain for his artistic thievery and if you live near him I encourage you to throw rotten danishes at his house.

Until I get online again,
Jack

‘Ello!

Many have been wondering where I’ve been. Many hoped I would never turn up again, but here I am, just as big-boned, brilliant and crafty as ever. I’ve been enjoying my downtime in solitude in my New Zealand bungalow lo these several months. I’ve been reflecting on life, love, and raspberry tarts. After the many appearances I had to do promoting the film, I needed to rest my autograph arm for a while and ponder my next film.

I was planning to create a brilliant movie about a boy wizard as you all know, but apparently Warner Brothers and Richardson Productions have both stole my idea. Rest assured, I’ll be litigating and requesting at least 1,000 hoagies in damages. to see the proof, just visit www.harveyputter.com to witness for yourself the blatant plagiarism. Even my star, Bryce Cone, has moved forward on the project with this unscrupulous lot. I’ve been stabbed in the back (luckily I have quite a bit of padding there). Et tu, Coney?

You can bet, when they least expect it, I’ll be turning up on their set, unexpected…and hungry. Their craft table will rue the day they ever crossed Jack Peterson. Beware!!!

Cheers,
Jack

Oy!

Alrighty, you can catch the film April 14 at the IU South Bend Indeoendent Video & Filmmakers Festival at www.ivff.net. We have 6 other screenings across the country and are adding more every week. Just visit the screenings section of the Dork website for updates.

I’m not sure if I’ll be able to fly in from New Zealand or not for the IUSB gig, but I know Bryce will be their promoting our next movie HARVEY PUTTER. He’ll be dressed as Harvey and we’ll also have a booth selling copies of Dork at a special salivating sale price.

Don’t forget to join the Harvey Putter newsletter list by e-mailing harveyputter@gmail.com and the official website is www.harveyputter.com. You can also watch the first Harvey Putter video on the site or on YouTube. Funny, they didn’t ask ME to be in it, so I’ll have to look into that…

Cheers,
Jack